We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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