Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
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i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
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I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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