for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize