How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
