mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
