The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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