Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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