I've blown a few things in my day
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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