This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
