I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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