Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
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Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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