I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
