she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
