Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
