I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
