My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
