I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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