I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
