I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
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