Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
