Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I need a beard to bite.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
