the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
