Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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