Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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