I'm going to rape someone's good day.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
