I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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