matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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