I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
