Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
