Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I checked into jail on foursquare
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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