just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
