ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
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