D3 body, D1 cock
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
