I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
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We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
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My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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