Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
