I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Text me some of your sweat
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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