my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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