Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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