so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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