My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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