I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
don't judge my taste in strippers
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
