I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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