I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
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Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
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just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.