dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food