I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.