Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
