508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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