I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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