So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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