I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I need a beard to bite.