I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.