Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
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Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
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My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...