Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I'm really busy with my period
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