i think my tv is drunk
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You dont lie about slip and slides
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
